Pain inside the quiet ones

There’s a reason people act the way they do.

Some become irritable.  Some are easily hurt by harmless comments. Some lash out.

Others do the opposite.  They become so quiet that nobody knows what’s happening inside.

Oftentimes, the reason is trauma.

A 19 year-old man came to therapy because he wanted to feel better.  He was quiet, respectful, and deeply depressed.  Like many people today, he turned to Dr. Google first.  He researched every symptom he had, trying to figure out why he felt the way he did.  Eventually, even Google said, “You might want to talk to a real person.”

So he came to therapy.

As we explored his history, we discovered severe childhood trauma. 

Together, we created a timeline of the painful events he had experienced. With tremendous courage, he shared memories he had carried alone for years.

Starting at age 5, for hours every day, he was left home alone.  He would unlock the door after school and wait for his mother to come home.  When she arrived, exhausted from work, she cooked dinner, and went straight to bed.  There was no time or energy left to help with homework or ask, “How was your day?”

At school, he struggled.  He felt lost.  He failed classes.  Nobody seemed to notice until later in middle school, teachers saw he needed help.

One day at his grandmother’s house, an uncle punched him in the stomach.  He cried.  Another uncle walked by but never asked why.  Later, his grandmother came home.  She didn’t ask, either.

No 5-year-old should be left alone for hours every day.

No crying child should be ignored.

No wonder he became deeply depressed.

No wonder the highest dose of antidepressants wasn’t helping.

No wonder he suffered from recurring nightmares for years.

As he spoke, I couldn’t hold back my tears.  Seeing my tears, he quietly wiped his own eyes.

Then he said something that stayed with me.

“I never told anyone about it.”

“You mean…for 14 years?”

He nodded.

He had kept everything to himself too long.

He never asked for help because, early in life, he learned that he had to handle everything alone.  He learned to stay quiet.

And so he suffered quietly…for 14 long years.

Trauma started the fire.  Silence kept it burning.

Fortunately, schools, teachers, and pediatricians today have become more trauma-informed.  More children are being referred to counselors and mental health professionals before years of silent suffering pile up.

The children who act out often get attention because they are loud and dramatic.  They come with flashing warning lights.

But quiet children can be easy to miss.

Behind a calm face might be pain.

Behind good behavior might be loneliness.

Behind silence,…chaos.

You never know what someone is carrying.

Children are our nation’s future.  Their well-being is our well-being.  And the child who needs help the most is the one who never asks for it.