People act for a reason you may not see

Pediatricians often refer children with anger problems to mental health clinics.  Many times, underneath that anger… there’s trauma.

A 10-year-old boy and his mom came.  Mom said he had anger problems.  Small things set him off.  He could go from calm to volcano in three seconds.

To his credit, he could name what made him mad.  One trigger was making mistakes.

He told me about a soccer game.  He missed a penalty kick and became angry.  He thought he let his team down.  He became so furious that he started hitting his own head… and even asked his friends to hit him.

He didn’t want to hurt himself.  His anger just got so big that he didn’t know how to handle it.

As we talked more, the picture became clearer.

For months, he had been bullied…both at school and in his martial arts class.  And bullying was brutal.  

One bully forced him to eat food he was allergic to.  Another picked him up and threw him out toward a busy street.

Experiences like that leave a mark.

Trauma makes the nervous system hypervigilant.  The brain learns that danger can show up anytime.  So, even small things, like a mistake, can feel threatening.

His body reacts as if he is in danger.  And the reaction becomes much bigger than the situation.

Trauma also creates a powerful inner critic.

Every time this little boy makes a mistake, it says:
“I messed up.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why am I such an idiot?”

The anger that once came from outside, from bullies or others, turns inward.

Trauma also takes away a sense of control.  During the bullying, he felt helpless.  He told adults, but somehow the bullies kept getting away with it.

So now hitting his head becomes a way to release intense feelings, punish himself before someone else can, or regain a sense of control.  His nervous system is trying to cope…But it chooses a harmful way.

So, next time someone overreacts, remember: there may be a story behind it.  You may not know the story.  They may or may not tell you.

But a little pause… and a little compassion…can go a long way.

The world could use more of that.