Every mess is a lesson

Twenty nine years ago, I was a brand new therapist.  Fresh out of grad school, full of hope, heart, and a little hyper.

I worked in a tough neighborhood – lots of drugs, gangs, and trauma.  Most of my clients were teenagers on probation.  They didn’t want therapy.  They were there because their probation officer said, “Go talk about your feelings.”

Yeah… not a popular assignment.

I’ll never forget one 13-year-old girl.
Her family didn’t have transportation, so I said, “No problem! I’ll come to you.”
I was young, motivated, and obviously… not very experienced.

She opened the door, gave me that look, the “Who are you and why are you in my house?” look.
I asked her questions.  She shrugged.
I tried again.  Same answer: “I don’t know.”

By the 5th “I don’t know,” I was ready to say, “Well, I don’t know, either!”

After that, the family started canceling appointments.
They didn’t want to see me.
I got it.  Nobody wants to be forced to do something they don’t want.

I started doubting myself.
Am I good enough?  Did I say something wrong?  Do I look too cheerful?

My supervisor, Margaret, just smiled and said,
“You didn’t waste your time.  You planted a seed.  Now they know someone cares. When they’re ready, they’ll ask for help.  Always offer help, do your best, and respect their choices.  Every obstacle teaches.”

That changed how I see everything.
Now, whenever something doesn’t go the way I planned, whether it’s a failed session, a missed opportunity, or falling off a Zoom call, I ask, “What is this trying to teach me?”

There’s always a lesson hiding in every mess.  And actually, the mess IS the lesson.

So when things don’t go your way, remember:
Plant the seed.  Trust the process.
And keep showing up, even if all you hear is, “I don’t know.”