Look Beyond the Behavior

Trauma doesn’t just show up in one person’s life.

It travels through generations.

Mom was abused by her dad.  She acted out.  Adults put her on meds.  Her life spiraled.  She turned to drugs.  Served time in prison.

Then, she met a man.  She got pregnant.  A man is gone.  

Has to raise her child alone.  

It’s not easy.  Her child acts out.  Mom gets frustrated.  Angry words thrown at him.  The child learns.  Acts out more.  He lies.  Mom hits him.  

Adults placed him in foster homes.  He acts out more.  Gets placed in a group home.  He learns unhealthy ways of coping.  

Meanwhile, mom began turning her life around.  She got her child back.  He resents mom because she wasn’t there when he needed her.  He is too young to understand everything she has been through.  So, he acts out.  

And the cycle continues.

Through her tears came frustration, anger, sadness, fear…every feeling you can imagine.

None of this happened by chance.  She was doing the best she could with what she had:

Limited resources.

Painful history.

A heavy load to carry.

Everyone is trying to help.  But help can become overwhelming.

Appointment after appointment.  

Some she was told to go but she doesn’t know why.  

She knew she had to pace herself.  

She is trying to build a future for herself and her child…learning and understanding her own trauma, advocating for her child, and going back to school…to eventually help others with similar experience. 

Her eyes told me she was genuine.  She loves her child deeply.  The child can’t see that.  He’s too young.  She knows she has to take care of herself first to be fully present to him.  

It was a tough time.  But her tears gave me hope.  

She has goals.  

She is taking the next step.

She’s doing her best. 

How often do we see behavior but not the story behind it?

We see angry people.

A child who lies.

A parent that loses temper.

When we look beyond their behavior,

We see something different.

A person who is hurting.

A person that never learned another way.

A person who is trying to survive.

People are resilient.  But resilience doesn’t mean we do everything alone.  We need support.  

We need someone who is willing to look beyond their behavior and see the person underneath.

This mom reminds me of an ordinary old man I met decades ago at a little street corner tea house in Calcutta.

He said something I’ve never forgotten.

“Everyone has God within.”

Everyone has sacred within.  

We are more than mistakes.  

More than trauma. 

Bad things happen.  But something good can grow from them.

That mom’s eyes showed me that.

Through all the pain, something still glows.

Hope.

Resilience.

The divine.  

Next time you see difficult behavior,

Look beyond it.

Behind the struggle, there’s always a person worthy of compassion.

See the light that’s glowing.